When
we give our heart away, why do we get surprised when it hurts?
The
term "give our heart away" means that unless we have someone giving us
their heart in return, we're left empty and hollow and that's painful,,
and when we're such lovely and loving people, we need to have that
exchange or we slowly but surely diminish ourselves...
It's excruciating
work to recognize that we betray ourselves when we demand someone else
make us happy..
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Thursday, February 4, 2016
REVENGE
At
29 (I'm 64 now) I figured out revenge and that lesson is just part of
me, I don't do revenge, don't think about it, and I've been so grateful
that no one got hurt when I did..
I had the guy who'd lied to me (had wife, different home I didn't know about, etc, and then was physically abusing me) pinned between the bumpers of my car and his,,
I saw the terror in him, I felt the revenge flood over me in that moment,,
and I felt powerful and evil and I'd never felt evil before and I don't even believe in evil, and it was thrilling,, I stared at him, all lit up in my headlights, I glared at him, willing him to feel my rage at what he'd done to me.. Take that you evil bas-turd..
I watched him panic, his eyes wild with fear OF ME,,
All that pain on his face, because OF ME..
and then I really saw the terror in his eyes, I saw the deep pain of being attacked and I saw his pain and abandonment and I saw the child he truly was,,,,,
He was perfectly pinned because the cars both had extending thingies sticking out of their bumpers, so his legs were trapped but he wasn't getting hurt, whew, my angel was watching out for me.. (screw him)...
and my empathy took over, something I KNEW (a deep insight and understanding) that he had none of, and I saw our differences and I saw that I was not him, I was not violent and I did not want revenge but all I wanted was love and he just wasn't capable of giving that but I was still angry at him for not being who I wanted him to be.. I wanted him to love me, that's all, I was just hurting because of my own fantasy about him....
and I was drained of every bit of revenge that I had built up from my whole life time,, because revenge isn't about the person I'm angry at right now, it's an accumulation of every wrong ever done to me....
I had the guy who'd lied to me (had wife, different home I didn't know about, etc, and then was physically abusing me) pinned between the bumpers of my car and his,,
I saw the terror in him, I felt the revenge flood over me in that moment,,
and I felt powerful and evil and I'd never felt evil before and I don't even believe in evil, and it was thrilling,, I stared at him, all lit up in my headlights, I glared at him, willing him to feel my rage at what he'd done to me.. Take that you evil bas-turd..
I watched him panic, his eyes wild with fear OF ME,,
All that pain on his face, because OF ME..
and then I really saw the terror in his eyes, I saw the deep pain of being attacked and I saw his pain and abandonment and I saw the child he truly was,,,,,
He was perfectly pinned because the cars both had extending thingies sticking out of their bumpers, so his legs were trapped but he wasn't getting hurt, whew, my angel was watching out for me.. (screw him)...
and my empathy took over, something I KNEW (a deep insight and understanding) that he had none of, and I saw our differences and I saw that I was not him, I was not violent and I did not want revenge but all I wanted was love and he just wasn't capable of giving that but I was still angry at him for not being who I wanted him to be.. I wanted him to love me, that's all, I was just hurting because of my own fantasy about him....
and I was drained of every bit of revenge that I had built up from my whole life time,, because revenge isn't about the person I'm angry at right now, it's an accumulation of every wrong ever done to me....
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