The Trap of Victim Blaming

This is a comment to someone claiming that all victims have low self worth..
d'oh,, you talk about the conditioning that happens under the manipulation of a well practiced expert controller and the reality that no one wants to be abused, and then blame the victim who's resiliency against the abuse is better/stronger than an average person's.. Personally, I think the measurements for self-worth are screwy.. and it's assumed that because modern mental health professionals demand victims be stupid people,, and few treatments for victimization allow for intelligence in the person seeking help.. We live in a world where, when people like Ross Rosenberg (a self-proclaimed co-dependent) step forward and blame the victim on top of the helpful stuff they say, the therapy community jumps up and joins in instead of digging deeper to see that self-worth has nothing to do with the hostage situation that so many abusers create.. That the treatment itself becomes secondary victimization..
And add in things like tonic immobility if any type of battery has happened and instead of recognizing that self worth has nothing to do with the trauma that the brain just went through, therapy ignores the trauma and says "Oh, it's because the victim has low self-worth.".... Baloney..

And don't forget, the more a victim rejects the idea of low self worth, the more they are labeled with some pill fixen malady..

Smear Campaign by Acting

Smear campaign by acting..
"D" would be talkative, cheerful and fun as long as I wasn't in the room, but as soon as I'd enter the party, he'd drop into silence and just stare at his folded hands on his lap..
I would feel the rejection so deeply,, but not make sense of what was happening cuz no one else would see it the way I did..
I tried to leave so many times,, I've moved on a thousand times..
What he did was subtle, most folks didn't even make a conscious connection because he wasn't that important to them,, but it always effected me and he knew it..
I was asked once, why I would let my friends meet him if he was so manipulative, but in truth, I didn't recognize what was happening when it was happening,, and once the damage was done,, I could never figure out how to fix that part of our friendships because no matter what they thought of me,, I always looked like I was complaining about an angel.. (to them).. I'm so freaking happy to be processing all that manipulation and pain I've been carrying around,,, he sucks,, boo hiss on assholes..

Dreams vs Cravings

Abuse demands that we obsess over the abuser and his/her behavior.. Personally, I believe that the amount of craving or obsession we still have for the abuser during and after a breakup, is a measure of how much loss we really feel..
When I take the time to list out what, exactly it is that I miss,, it's the dreams and potential futures and the beginnings of something greater to come.. and all measurable by that craving of wanting "it" back.. 

physical vs mental

Physical abuse never comes without mental abuse too.. and then if the batterer figures out not to be physical, there are studies that suggest that they'll step up the mental abuse to make up for not being in physical control of the target..

LETTING GO of ATTACK DOGS WHO SMILE

I believe it's important NOT to tell a narc or flying monkey or trained attack dogs what I'm doing.. for me; to practice grey rocking and to not try to control them or what's happening ,, lol  ,, as if they respected my boundaries before (hahahaha ouch), ,, ,, it never worked before no matter how honest and sincere I was, ,, ,, no matter how I explained my boundaries during pain and anger.

I now know that it's impossible to teach [your] abuser about empathy..
And it's simple protection to just withdraw..
It won't add to their game and it's not part of their rules of abuse..
For me, it's hard work to not share stuff.. It takes a lot of practice to just keep my lips closed,, lol.. I've been duped into trusting the wrong people and staying private is my first step to changing things back to a happy me...

Detoxifying from narc abuse

Yep, you're detoxifying and your body isn't used to the calm..
The toxic crap is leaving and it ends up feeling like a big black hole 
and that's the scary part for me.. 
But it's also an opportunity to fill that now empty hole with joy and happiness instead,, add some color.. 
You can decide when you want to do that, if you do that and how full you want that empty place filled up again.. 
You get to choose what you're doing to be better and better.. and you get to pick when that happens.. 
You're not alone and this is the subject of your life right now so I encourage you to read what others have also written, get an education.. 
In otherwords, you're exactly where you need to be.. this too shall pass..

Questions I ask myself..

Does he lie?
Does he act as if I'm an embarrassment to him when I need his support the most?
Has he been mad at me for more than 3 days without an explanation?
Has he cut communication for more than 3 days without an explanation?
Do I find it hard to find answers?
Am I in a constant state of confusion about what he says and does?
And for me since I'm a recovering addict,, do I obsess about him, making him an object of my desire?
Am I spending more than 3 days trying to fix a relationship that relies on me to carry the burden of communication?
Do I find myself defending things I never had to defend before?

Climate of FEAR

"They" don't have to touch us to create what's called a "climate of fear".. It can be done by subtle demeaning and dismissive comments at strategic times.. It can be done through their comments of aggression that always come with plausible deniability..
It comes from always being confused and intimidated and it's my observation that the stronger the target is, the harder it is for us to recognize until it's too late because we think we can handle anything, which is exactly what a narc loves=some challenge..
"D" was so good at doing dishonest things behind my back, that when friends commented on something, I'd have no idea what they were talking about because "D"s abuse included the slow and strategic targeting of my friends so they'd complain but I'd never see what they were saying because it didn't match what I was seeing and hearing from him, so I was left caught between people I loved and ended up staying with him cuz I didn't have the resources or understanding of what was happening.. all part of the climate of fear for me..
The more educated we are about the different behaviors that they do, the more we can see that fear is created through many different avenues.. And few people understand the detoxification process that we have to go through to get the narc out of our systems..

Cheaters are liars

All cheaters (emotional and/or physical) are all liars..
When we are in a relationship with a liar (cheating is only one part of the lies), it's a hostage situation because we are jailed by our own beliefs of honesty and vulnerability..
As we betray our own instincts, believing the liar, we loose our vulnerability and we become gullible.. 
And that's when a narcissist knows that we are playing a game we have no idea what the rules are,, and that they have the upperhand in a game we didn't want to play in the first place..
That's also when we're filled with confusion and a sense of intense betrayal by someone who claims they love us more than anything they've ever felt before... 
Rule #1; all cheaters are LIARS.. 
Rule #2; refer to rule number one, we can't pick and choose what's the truth with a liar.
 
booo hissssss

silent treatment...... grrrrrrrrr, I hated the silent treatment...

I had no idea what a true silent treatment was until being with "D".... He would literally shut everything down ,, go totally blank, look right through me,, ignore me.. 
Communication shut down to me verbalizing suggestions, requests and inclusion small talk (as in "I made food, do you want some?") and him rudely, intentionally intensely ignoring me,, and I'm not talking about just a couple hours,, I'm saying this would go on for weeks until I'd be packing my bags,, screw you, I have a right to honesty.. .. .. .. .. 
and then he'd start the "pity me" crap,, "I'm stupid and my dad tried to drown me" crap.. and he'd act like he was spilling his guts with the shame of it all crap,, and I believed his crap...  I believed what he showed me, that he felt pain,, and then I'd remember, Hey wait, this was about me needing to leave because I just spent 3 weeks in hell with a cold hearted leach... how'd this turn into therapy for you??????
One time I needed to talk about a home bill and I handed him the bill and instead of looking at it, he just dropped his hand to his side and let the bill fall to the floor and he just went blank.. 
I always knew it wasn't me,,, but I thought he was having a brain seizure or something... NOPE, it was just the silent treatment...

sarcasm

isn't it nice that they let us be responsible for everything?,, we are truly lucky people,, we even get to be responsible for their cruelty instead of them growing up and being kind.

TINY STALKING

I'm hearin from you that you're getting creeped out by him.. I am too,, The word is "stalking",,, respectful people put mail in the mail, with a stamp, they don't stalk ,, Please don't underestimate what he's doing.. because you also say his excuse for stalking was because of your kids,, It's a really tiny stalking experience but he got what he wanted ... and If he's like the guy who did tiny stalking to me, he will escalate..
Tiny stalking is like a white lie, people accept it, they know it's creepy but gosh, movies show it as a romantic thing,, the cute guy tiny stalks the potential girlfriend and falls all over himself, ,,
Be careful of tiny stalking, it always grows.

Second Guessing

When they have certain patterns in their scripts, it's sometimes easier to second guess the narc, but I think it's a mistake to think we can anticipate much more than moods in certain situations (example,he always got melancholy when pretty women were around, silent treatment if I mentioned it, etc),, Both my mom and ex are narcs and something that used to frustrate the crap outta me was that they'd catch on to changes that I'd make so fast and they'd switch directions in a second..
When I recognized that a narc literally spends their whole life practicing scripts and manipulations on every relationship they pass through, I just quit trying to second guess what he was gonna do, went gray rock and after a couple mistakes, things got better instead of worse for the first time in years..
BTW, "second guessing" is one of the symptoms of narc abuse,, if you're always having to second guess what's coming next, it's abusive..

Change

It's not our emotions that get us into trouble, it's our behaviors when we have these emotions,,
You're not a robot, acknowledge your anger, write about it, talk about it,, Let yourself know that you are ok and that things will change again, so don't give up before the miracle happens.. It's in our anger that we find our motivation to move out of what's hurting us..
Pain is the recognition something is wrong and anger gives us the energy needed to change..