wow,, this is trippy info about how a narcissist's brain works...
"Keenan explained that, "in narcissists, more brain areas are dedicated
to self-deception." So when a narcissist's medial prefrontal cortex is
taken offline, backup generators are in place to maintain that overblown
sense of self."
Gotta read the article to find out more,, it's good..
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/comment/1059680?fbclid=IwAR0QudYeQ90kgLkY3SlKghmTPXD_Tn5NByPv0Z2hUbC8mUUKu4tetyqZnAQ#comment-1059680
Friday, December 28, 2018
THE FROG IN HOT WATER
Abuse
rarely starts full force.. Abusers know that their target will leave if
love bombing isn't applied at the strategic times to keep their victims
believing things will either change back to the wonderfulness of their
courting days, or at least be something to continue fighting for..
None of us invited the abuse, nor do we allow it to continue..
Abuse becomes socially accepted each time a victim is blamed for not second guessing the abuser correctly and staying too long..
We are not alone when we support each other..
None of us invited the abuse, nor do we allow it to continue..
Abuse becomes socially accepted each time a victim is blamed for not second guessing the abuser correctly and staying too long..
We are not alone when we support each other..
Wednesday, December 26, 2018
My ex had two different ways to describe me...
My
ex had two different ways to describe me...
With other people, he praised me,, told people the most complimentary things about me,,, it used to startle me when they'd tell me,, I started crying one time because he had been so horrible for weeks to me,, and here is one of his friends going on about how much he (my ex) loved me,, naming all sorts of things I've done that I'm proud of,, that he'd just heard out of my ex's mouth days before... So while being mean and rage-ful with me at home, he'd been acting like he couldn't live without me to his friends...
............. because at home, he (angrily) described me as angry, argumentative and a bully.. claiming he couldn't work together with me because I was so confusing that my requests were crap...
.. which I always knew he thought would piss me off cuz I'm a trained commercial/graphic artist and make killer schematic diagrams and can write out detailed instructions with all sorts of illustrative precise pictures that I draw up.. (example here) and I'm talking about when I was designing my kitchen,, which at Xmas, he gave me a book on kitchens and he said, as my present; if I designed it, he would build it (he's a handyman by trade and follows other people's instruction perfectly)
But I never did get my Xmas present and my kitchen is still a wreck.. boo hoo...
Confusion is key in abuse..
Writing it down, it's obvious now how praising me was his way of love-bombing the friend to make himself look like the good guy,,,, how he future faked a dream with me, stonewalled the project and then projected onto me exactly what he was doing... at the time, it was devastating
With other people, he praised me,, told people the most complimentary things about me,,, it used to startle me when they'd tell me,, I started crying one time because he had been so horrible for weeks to me,, and here is one of his friends going on about how much he (my ex) loved me,, naming all sorts of things I've done that I'm proud of,, that he'd just heard out of my ex's mouth days before... So while being mean and rage-ful with me at home, he'd been acting like he couldn't live without me to his friends...
............. because at home, he (angrily) described me as angry, argumentative and a bully.. claiming he couldn't work together with me because I was so confusing that my requests were crap...
.. which I always knew he thought would piss me off cuz I'm a trained commercial/graphic artist and make killer schematic diagrams and can write out detailed instructions with all sorts of illustrative precise pictures that I draw up.. (example here) and I'm talking about when I was designing my kitchen,, which at Xmas, he gave me a book on kitchens and he said, as my present; if I designed it, he would build it (he's a handyman by trade and follows other people's instruction perfectly)
But I never did get my Xmas present and my kitchen is still a wreck.. boo hoo...
Confusion is key in abuse..
Writing it down, it's obvious now how praising me was his way of love-bombing the friend to make himself look like the good guy,,,, how he future faked a dream with me, stonewalled the project and then projected onto me exactly what he was doing... at the time, it was devastating
Saturday, September 1, 2018
"Why do I still want him after all the abuse? I'm going crazy."
Reply:
Giant hugs.. it's really hard because of all the brainwashing that happens during abuse... because abuse is also about the love bombing or the reward, to hook us back in so they can continue to abuse us...
After breaking up with an abuser, It takes awhile to balance out and make sense of what really happened...
Abuse is a series of behaviors that illicit particular reactions in the target (we're the target).. One reaction is to end up closer to the abuser... It's something we do for protection.. The confusion becomes overwhelming and we end up believing the same person who lies to us.. we end up being hurt by the same person who claimed they loved us..
I was asked: "Is your husband a good guy?" and I answered without hesitation: "YES"
and then they asked me: "Do good guys do what he did to you?" My answer was NO...
That's when I started to see how my own confusion was clouding my understanding of what was happening to me...
You are love-able...
You were in an abusive relationship with someone who spent their whole life practicing hurting other people and getting away with it...
Abusers are really good at hiding the hurt and destruction they create... they steal our comfort and love-ability and brainwash us into thinking our only happiness is connected to them,, our only love is with them.. and that's all a button they install in us during the relationship.. it's a trigger button.. and for a long time after we're broken up from them, that button still gets pushed and we end up craving them..
That craving goes away as we learn more and more about abuse.. We might always wish they had been better to us,, but that's our dream and has nothing to do with the reality that they don't change.. (they might change a behavior or two for us during the relationship but that's only to set us us for punishment later)
You have a right to love without pain,, and he's proven he's not capable of sharing that with you...
I am proud of you... it's really hard to speak out and ask questions..
Thanks for sharing..
This is the 20 minute video that allowed me insight into the complexity of a DV relationship.. thank you Teal Swan..
https://youtu.be/M_lakRMIA7Q
Reply:
Giant hugs.. it's really hard because of all the brainwashing that happens during abuse... because abuse is also about the love bombing or the reward, to hook us back in so they can continue to abuse us...
After breaking up with an abuser, It takes awhile to balance out and make sense of what really happened...
Abuse is a series of behaviors that illicit particular reactions in the target (we're the target).. One reaction is to end up closer to the abuser... It's something we do for protection.. The confusion becomes overwhelming and we end up believing the same person who lies to us.. we end up being hurt by the same person who claimed they loved us..
I was asked: "Is your husband a good guy?" and I answered without hesitation: "YES"and then they asked me: "Do good guys do what he did to you?" My answer was NO...
That's when I started to see how my own confusion was clouding my understanding of what was happening to me...
You are love-able...
You were in an abusive relationship with someone who spent their whole life practicing hurting other people and getting away with it...
Abusers are really good at hiding the hurt and destruction they create... they steal our comfort and love-ability and brainwash us into thinking our only happiness is connected to them,, our only love is with them.. and that's all a button they install in us during the relationship.. it's a trigger button.. and for a long time after we're broken up from them, that button still gets pushed and we end up craving them..
That craving goes away as we learn more and more about abuse.. We might always wish they had been better to us,, but that's our dream and has nothing to do with the reality that they don't change.. (they might change a behavior or two for us during the relationship but that's only to set us us for punishment later)
You have a right to love without pain,, and he's proven he's not capable of sharing that with you...
I am proud of you... it's really hard to speak out and ask questions..
Thanks for sharing..This is the 20 minute video that allowed me insight into the complexity of a DV relationship.. thank you Teal Swan..
https://youtu.be/M_lakRMIA7Q
Friday, November 24, 2017
OOPS
no idea how I did it but I just deleted this whole posting and now don't know how to delete my mistake
HOW OUR BRAIN WORKS
I heard a great analogy...
When we're born our brain is like a hill and experience is like snow on that hill........... as we learn how to deal with conflict and successes, we go up and down the hill learning how to cope,,
at first, as children, we run all over the hill,,,, with more experience, we make sled pathways down the hill (wheeee),, ,,,, and walking pathways back up,, so our hill ends up covered in snow with only two or three pathways for dealing with that snow.....
Abuse is like a blizzard on the hill so if we don't have the coping skills or many different options as pathways,, we either end up just not moving anymore or we stick to the patterns and pathways instead of taking risks to find new and better routes... and that is not minimizing the grief, it's explaining how we can end up looping in grief..
I know that even if I sound paranoid, I have valid evidence and reason to not trust anyone else again... I believe this and it causes me deep grief..
But, I believe in the gifts I will receive from working through conflict and my grief,,
I believe and trust in the process,, that IF I keep educating myself,, sharing my story,,, learning from other people's stories and learning how to support other people in their own grief,, I WILL get better and better and at some point, I will no longer crumble with my fears and it won't matter if someone betrays me or not cuz I have me..... and I am love-able and have a right and responsibility to love and happiness...
As you're coming out of the fog,, your peripheral vision will be needing exercising again since the landscape will be getting clearer and clearer...
For me, just this week,, I realized that coming out of the fog and confusion is just as emotionally terrifying as falling off that emotional cliff during abuse..
It's like it's exactly the same as how I felt during the trauma but in reverse,, like a movie playing backwards...
When we're born our brain is like a hill and experience is like snow on that hill........... as we learn how to deal with conflict and successes, we go up and down the hill learning how to cope,,
at first, as children, we run all over the hill,,,, with more experience, we make sled pathways down the hill (wheeee),, ,,,, and walking pathways back up,, so our hill ends up covered in snow with only two or three pathways for dealing with that snow.....
Abuse is like a blizzard on the hill so if we don't have the coping skills or many different options as pathways,, we either end up just not moving anymore or we stick to the patterns and pathways instead of taking risks to find new and better routes... and that is not minimizing the grief, it's explaining how we can end up looping in grief..
I know that even if I sound paranoid, I have valid evidence and reason to not trust anyone else again... I believe this and it causes me deep grief..
But, I believe in the gifts I will receive from working through conflict and my grief,,
I believe and trust in the process,, that IF I keep educating myself,, sharing my story,,, learning from other people's stories and learning how to support other people in their own grief,, I WILL get better and better and at some point, I will no longer crumble with my fears and it won't matter if someone betrays me or not cuz I have me..... and I am love-able and have a right and responsibility to love and happiness...
As you're coming out of the fog,, your peripheral vision will be needing exercising again since the landscape will be getting clearer and clearer...
For me, just this week,, I realized that coming out of the fog and confusion is just as emotionally terrifying as falling off that emotional cliff during abuse..
It's like it's exactly the same as how I felt during the trauma but in reverse,, like a movie playing backwards...
Thursday, December 15, 2016
REVENGE
Revenge is a consequence of resentments and overthinking..
both are symptoms of abuse..
If you don't like the pain, I guarantee you won't like the revenge hangover (which can show up years later, long after our head clears)
Overthinking is a "condition" of thoughts repeating over and over again with no stimulation or creativity to find new options and opportunities for new thoughts..
The same part of the brain that obsesses without resolution, is the same part of the brain used for creativity,, it can't do both at the same time...
SOOOO, start doing creative things,, even puzzles can help take your mind off an obsession,,
maybe find a fun coloring book, grab some crayons and a friend and color for awhile each day to break up the obsession..
It takes work and commitment to change our mind....
,,,,,, and resentment is a consequence of unresolved anger and sitting in our pain and stress for too long..
When faced with revenge thoughts, take a breath and remember that you are more important than the pain of another person.. and it's time to forgive yourself for your betrayal by believing lies.. Yes, they lied.. move on.. direct your focus on what you have right now, after the loss..
Find gratitude for who you are; a love-able person with the ability to grow and change..
(who happens to be very angry, and that's ok because it's only temporary)
both are symptoms of abuse..
If you don't like the pain, I guarantee you won't like the revenge hangover (which can show up years later, long after our head clears)
Overthinking is a "condition" of thoughts repeating over and over again with no stimulation or creativity to find new options and opportunities for new thoughts..
The same part of the brain that obsesses without resolution, is the same part of the brain used for creativity,, it can't do both at the same time...
SOOOO, start doing creative things,, even puzzles can help take your mind off an obsession,,
maybe find a fun coloring book, grab some crayons and a friend and color for awhile each day to break up the obsession..
It takes work and commitment to change our mind....
,,,,,, and resentment is a consequence of unresolved anger and sitting in our pain and stress for too long..
When faced with revenge thoughts, take a breath and remember that you are more important than the pain of another person.. and it's time to forgive yourself for your betrayal by believing lies.. Yes, they lied.. move on.. direct your focus on what you have right now, after the loss..
Find gratitude for who you are; a love-able person with the ability to grow and change..
(who happens to be very angry, and that's ok because it's only temporary)
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