I'm Me and I'm OK

Trust and vulnerability can turn to the feeling of stupid and gullibility if we continue to believe we'll get anything from a narc other than manipulation..
I hated when I'd realize that what looked like compassion from him, always turned out to be a trick to get close again, just to get more supply from my confusion when his true agenda became known to me..
Deciding not to believe a liar is key to moving on..
We're all figuring out how the heck we kept falling for the same crap.. 
We're not alone.. 
Share your story with people who understand what healing from narc abuse is about.
It's important to learn (again) that our story is believable and that other people share in the journey of healing and working on being happy again.

Repeat this often throughout the day, everyday from now on:  
I AM love-able and loving
I have a right and responsibility to love  
(without pain)

WORD SALAD

Why does a narc push our buttons?
................ because they installed them..

Word salad is the narc starting a conversation on one subject, jumping around to different subjects and then out of the blue, going back to the first subject 20 minutes later but not saying it clear enough for you to make the connection.
Word salad is also when the narc says one thing and 10 minutes later they claim they never said it.. 
or they tell you that you misunderstood them,, 
or they say they didn't mean it "that way",, 
or they just totally change the subject so often, you have absolutely no idea what they're talking about anymore,, 
or they just drop out of the conversation and you're left wondering what happened,, 
or they start starring off into nothing while you're talking but act like they've been listening if you ask if they're with you in the conversation anymore,, 
or
It can also include them claiming you said something when you know full well that you never said it..

Word salad is a narc's brainwashing technique to get their target into the practice of second guessing the narc and themselves.
It's a win in the narc's mind and it's their proof that they have control over the conversation and another person.. 
 
The main symptom you'll go through if you're being gaslight-ed with word salad is confusion..
The trick to seeing it clearly is to start a diary of when you're getting confused by the narc's words and/or behavior and within a week, you will be fully awake and totally aware of every time the narc tried to gaslight you with word salad from then on.. 

I never doubted myself again after just a couple of entries..

Friendship with a narc?

Narcs love to be friends with the ex that they abused,, it continues the abuse on a different level cuz they don't have good boundaries in friendships either but it's a whole new game to play for them.

What it's like to be a narcissist

Imagine not having empathy and trying to figure out what's going on with someone who's in valid anger.. if you can't empathize, it just looks like they're attacking you.. 
Or try to imagine seeing someone who's hurt but you have no idea what that means for them cuz you don't have empathy for them; it looks like they are blaming you because perception is limited by lack of empathy.
They start early in life in this cycle of self-loathing cuz as much as they blame everyone and everything else when they get older, they start in the place where everything is attacking them and reinforcing over and over that they aren't ok... 
Their projection is a defense protection learned as a child, but with no empathy, they never get to grow out of it by having insights cuz they don't have empathy..
As babies, our brains are growing and one of the first things to develop, is our sense of self.. it's when a baby recognizes themselves in the mirror.. 
The next to develop is our sense of others and if, at that time, there is abuse happening, instead of the brain developing in both areas, it over develops that "sense of self" part (they're always in defense mode because of the abuse),, and the part of the brain for seeing others (empathy) doesn't develop at all or very little..  
That's why it's a personality disorder instead of a mental illness..

Hoovering

Narcissists dance on our boundaries and they keep testing until we stop them.. 
Hoovering brings us back into their victimization game every time..
Narcissists get their best supply from exploiting and victimizing their targets..

Does his new squeeze have it better than you did?

The abuse of a narc escalates (with or without us) and since we now know; the more unhappy we got, the happier they seemed; it's easy to assume that there aren't rainbows shooting out of the narc's ass for their new squeeze.

Never compare your insides to anyone elses outside   .. --Anonymous

DETOXIFYING

When living with a narc, everything gets turned upside down and backwards,, and whether we like it or not, detoxifying includes the slow and painful shift back to ourselves and that gets scary cuz our bodies end up in a battle between the old rules of the narc, which came with overt and covert threats of our destruction if we break those rules,, 
There is freedom in finding our own rules and boundaries..
 
Our subconscious is powerful and if it still sits in perceived threats, which is PTSD, it's a battle and feels like drowning and swimming at the same time..
Exercises that help: anything that helps us connect with our physical bodies again,, and calming exercises when we get anxious,, and continuing to share our story so we feel understood and accepted again..
The turmoil of detoxifying will pass and you'll be able to get on with being a better and better you..

Compliance is not consent.

Compliance is not consent..  
Coercion is brainwashing.. their covert and overt threats create a climate of fear for us to live in..  
I encourage you to give him back his responsibilities and guilt.. 
He exploited your vulnerabilities and kicked your legs out from under you..
I believe in me being responsible for my own gullibility but he's responsible for lying over and over until all my own truth got too confusing to make sense anymore..
Stress actually changes our brains.. 
Have you heard the frog's story?
If you throw a frog into a pot of hot water, it will immediately jump out again... 
But if you put the frog in cool water, they'll swim around happily...
Turn up the heat and that frog won't know when it's time to jump out and will stay in that pot until it boils.. 

That's what happens to us.. and on top of all that, we end up feeling shameful as if we we're suppose to know when that right time to jump was..
Our difference from the frog, is that when we felt the heat and said something, we got love bombed back into the relationship and thinking that the water was cool again, cuz the person who claimed to love us assured us things were ok.. (taking advantage of our vulnerability)..
You are love-able and loving and have a right and to love and happiness without pain.

Priorities

Right now, what's most important to your babies is you looking them in the eye,, eyeball to eyeball and you let them know they have your unconditional love and support and that you see them and in their beauty..
"Worry is my way of letting God know that I don't trust Him" --Anonymous

Change

It's in our request for change that they find our vulnerability to exploit..

Why we can't change them

Something that helps me, is remembering that narcs think in third person, so they create scripts to navigate through life.
For each situation in life that they run into, they have several different scripts that they pull from to communicate,, they are ritual interactions with no empathy or spontaneity..
 
We get into trouble with the narc when our spontaneity collides with their scripts..
 
Why can't we change them?
Because; 1) we can never figure out their scripts,, 2) cuz their scripts are more important to them than any picture we can paint of change,, 3) they live in the past (scripts are from the past) and 4) we have absolutely no concept of what that's like for them, so right off the bat, we're telling them that who they perceive themselves to be, is wrong and who wants to hear that?