"Why do I still want him after all the abuse? I'm going crazy."

Reply:

Giant hugs.. it's really hard because of all the brainwashing that happens during abuse... because abuse is also about the love bombing or the reward, to hook us back in so they can continue to abuse us...
After breaking up with an abuser, It takes awhile to balance out and make sense of what really happened...

Abuse is a series of behaviors that illicit particular reactions in the target (we're the target).. One reaction is to end up closer to the abuser... It's something we do for protection.. The confusion becomes overwhelming and we end up believing the same person who lies to us.. we end up being hurt by the same person who claimed they loved us..

I was asked: "Is your husband a good guy?" and I answered without hesitation: "YES"
and then they asked me: "Do good guys do what he did to you?" My answer was NO...
That's when I started to see how my own confusion was clouding my understanding of what was happening to me...
 
You are love-able...
You were in an abusive relationship with someone who spent their whole life practicing hurting other people and getting away with it...
Abusers are really good at hiding the hurt and destruction they create... they steal our comfort and love-ability and brainwash us into thinking our only happiness is connected to them,, our only love is with them.. and that's all a button they install in us during the relationship.. it's a trigger button.. and for a long time after we're broken up from them, that button still gets pushed and we end up craving them..

That craving goes away as we learn more and more about abuse.. We might always wish they had been better to us,, but that's our dream and has nothing to do with the reality that they don't change.. (they might change a behavior or two for us during the relationship but that's only to set us us for punishment later)
You have a right to love without pain,, and he's proven he's not capable of sharing that with you...
I am proud of you... it's really hard to speak out and ask questions..
Thanks for sharing..


This is the 20 minute video that allowed me insight into the complexity of a DV relationship.. thank you Teal Swan..
 https://youtu.be/M_lakRMIA7Q  

OOPS

no idea how I did it but I just deleted this whole posting and now don't know how to delete my mistake

HOW OUR BRAIN WORKS

I heard a great analogy...
When we're born our brain is like a hill and experience is like snow on that hill........... as we learn how to deal with conflict and successes, we go up and down the hill learning how to cope,,
at first, as children, we run all over the hill,,,, with more experience, we make sled pathways down the hill (wheeee),, ,,,, and walking pathways back up,, so our hill ends up covered in snow with only two or three pathways for dealing with that snow.....
Abuse is like a blizzard on the hill so if we don't have the coping skills or many different options as pathways,, we either end up just not moving anymore or we stick to the patterns and pathways instead of taking risks to find new and better routes... and that is not minimizing the grief, it's explaining how we can end up looping in grief..
I know that even if I sound paranoid, I have valid evidence and reason to not trust anyone else again... I believe this and it causes me deep grief..
But, I believe in the gifts I will receive from working through conflict and my grief,,
I believe and trust in the process,, that IF I keep educating myself,, sharing my story,,, learning from other people's stories and learning how to support other people in their own grief,, I WILL get better and better and at some point, I will no longer crumble with my fears and it won't matter if someone betrays me or not cuz I have me..... and I am love-able and have a right and responsibility to love and happiness...
As you're coming out of the fog,, your peripheral vision will be needing exercising again since the landscape will be getting clearer and clearer...
For me, just this week,, I realized that coming out of the fog and confusion is just as emotionally terrifying as falling off that emotional cliff during abuse..
It's like it's exactly the same as how I felt during the trauma but in reverse,, like a movie playing backwards...

REVENGE

Revenge is a consequence of resentments and overthinking..
both are symptoms of abuse..
If you don't like the pain, I guarantee you won't like the revenge hangover (which can show up years later, long after our head clears)
Overthinking is a "condition" of thoughts repeating over and over again with no stimulation or creativity to find new options and opportunities for new thoughts..
The same part of the brain that obsesses without resolution, is the same part of the brain used for creativity,, it can't do both at the same time... 
SOOOO, start doing creative things,, even puzzles can help take your mind off an obsession,, 
maybe find a fun coloring book, grab some crayons and a friend and color for awhile each day to break up the obsession.. 

It takes work and commitment to change our mind....
,,,,,, and resentment is a consequence of unresolved anger and sitting in our pain and stress for too long..
When faced with revenge thoughts, take a breath and remember that you are more important than the pain of another person.. and it's time to forgive yourself for your betrayal by believing lies.. Yes, they lied.. move on.. direct your focus on what you have right now, after the loss..
Find gratitude for who you are; a love-able person with the ability to grow and change..
(who happens to be very angry, and that's ok because it's only temporary)

Why I love EMDR

New studies are reveling that during trauma, we can be so confused by it all that we use our right brain more, the side for memory, dreams, etc because our analytical left brain just can't make sense of it..
We end up storing the memory with wrong interpretations (like we're not good enough and that's why we're having the trauma happen to us) in our right brain..
This also skews with the fight/flight/freeze of our amygdala which interprets anything that resembles the original trauma, as if it's dangerous.. So a certain shaped room can trigger our amygdala's freak response instead of allowing our left brain to interpret things correctly,,, thus, things like PTSD and anxiety disorders..
This is my favorite, just watch the balloon on a large screen..

EMDR works both sides of the brain, which jiggles loose our old files/memories back into the left brain again, to be processed.. and resolved..
This vid has a person doing the EMDR....

That's also why we need support and people to talk things out with when working with this..

it's not hoovering,, he's taking you hostage... He's testing you to see how much crap he can say to you before you scream "Shut up"...
You can always just turn away and get busy doing other things, it's not rude, you didn't ask to join his fan club,,, or start exchanging the child in public where the ex can't take up your time the same way...
He knows,(narcs always know) that the shallow blah blah blah is a trigger for people trying to get away from them...
He's had practice and he's really good at pretending that he;s being friendly when instead, he's holding you hostage with the "commercial" of himself..

warning

Everyone will warn us of what they'll treat us like in the first 20 minutes of a conversation... It takes practice hearing it but everyone does it...
With a narc, their warnings always seem like a joke cuz their comments will be so extreme:::
"ha ha ha, I'm looking for 3 queens not 1 princess" referring to something you say about monogamy..
"ha ha ha, all my ex's are bitches (or bastards)" see a red flag?

or they'll hide their warnings in what sounds like love talk::
"I don't want to share you with anyone." warning that they will triangulate and compete with everyone you have feelings for or attachments to..
"You're gonna break my heart" this is an angry narc who is already telling you that they are ready for a fight..
See what I mean???
BUT, covert narcs warn in their conspicuous silence on some subjects or they're "perfect" sharing little info about themselves at all,, again conspicuous silence...
And just because we've studied all the red flags and warnings about a narcissist, which all end up looking like a roadmap to understanding a narc,, remember that while their behaviors fit a syndrome or cycle,, in truth they are totally unpredictable especially if you are their target... (just my 2 cents)